I am so DEAD

I am sorry, I am sorry to myself. I don't know why but I am.

Feeling so numb so lifeless

Getting out of words to say and again tears made their way out of my eyes.

From past few days I was trying to tell myself that I am strong I don't care if somebody is with me or not but today I realized I was wrong I was just trying to find and collect small-small happiness from different people and different places. Today i realized my life is so lacking in love that I am so obsessed about it that I just can take it from anywhere I could get it.

I was thinking I was in a very beautiful island with greenery all over and  a very beautiful ocean but today I realized it was just my illusion actually I am in the middle of a desert where I have nothing other than sand-dunes.

I felt thousands of bullets inside me altogether when he doubted my loyalty, and not just once he did it two time. I fight, I go mad over him doesn't mean I am cheating on him, I fight, I shout because I don't want be ignored, betrayed, hurt again.

Whatever I do never says that I don't love him. I really do, that's why I gave him full access on me.

But the things are really not moving in any right direction no matter how hard I try or how hard he tries.

We wished to move on the path of life together without bothering where it takes us, and now we really don't know where it is taking us.

Today he was really very sweet 

pura din bhoooot pyar se bat ki, ek bar bhi hum dono ne ladai ni ki,

sham ko time se phone bhi kiya milne bhi ay bhot acha lga

but when I entered his car the way he was looking at me was really weird, I don't know what was going in his mind but he was just not the same, the taunts, the expressions, the stare everything was changed 

even my body didn't respond to him today and when he asked to check my phone even a last hope of trust was dead. 

Now I am just moving without any expectation any commitment any relationship

let's see where the things go

will we be happy or will we be apart

I just hope later not to happen